the way back - nervous breakdown and all that

In May of this year, I signed off work after a nervous breakdown. Or as my French friends call it: ‘burnout’! I have frequently felt as if I am in a sort of no-mans-land. It genuinely does at times feel like ‘ an uninhabited or desolate area’ (wikipedia) within my mind.   I am used to interacting with, teaching and nurturing a class of thirty lively children - and love things that way. However, I have had mainly myself as company for the past four months. And I’m not especially good at nurturing myself. Especially when there are so many battles in my life. I’m tired of battles: perpetually being on my guard. I need the interaction with my pupils, need to keep my mind active by helping them to learn. But that part of my life has been put on hold. I have suffered and not been treated well.   ***   I was in Paris this weekend. It has been good to take a break from London and enjoy the city of my youth: visiting a lovely restaurant, bookshops, going for a run around the Bois ...

I have not written on the blog for a while. I have been off work for a few months now and now is not the right time to be going into that aspect of my life. I can however have a moan about life in general and the fact that it has been a challenging few months. To be honest, it's been a tough few years: victimisation at my previous school, grief, betrayal, disappointment, and two nervous breakdowns have all played their part in my rocky mental health. I apologise: some of you will have already read about this in my previous posts. Accident Things came to another head this Wednesday (02.10.24) when our car was rammed by a reckless driver. We were pulling out of a side street. The third party was desperate to get through some lights which had just turned green. He wanted to turn right before oncoming traffic could start moving. He overtook the lane we were pulling out of. He was significantly over the 20mph speed and ploughed straight into us - driver side. I was driving. Luckily, ai...

It has happened again.  Two months ago, I had  another nervous breakdown : my second in five years. I cannot go into the reasons why this happened, but my mental health has taken another drubbing. My antidepressants intake has  quadrupled . There have been a lot of bad days.  Days seething with anxiety but devoid of energy. Days struggling to relax and yet feeling the urge to sleep all the time.  Despite being at home all the time, there have been many times where I’ve been an absent father.  Days on end, lying on my sofa or bed staring at the ceiling. Thankfully, glimmers of positivity and hope are now becoming far more common. But while I’m on more of a secure footing, I’m still on that perpetual nasty verge of a panic attack; constantly in fighting mode. Thank goodness I  am running again and building my stamina up.  I could not read for any lengthy period of time without losing my concentration. I still get distracted but I’m actually fi...

These past few days have been particularly difficult for me from a mental health point of view. I won't go into any detail but I have had another breakdown.  However, here is more proof that even in the darkest of times, to quote the great Leonard Cohen, “There is a crack, a crack in everything... That's how the light gets in.” “I’m not sure if you remember me but I’m [an old student from my previous school]. I just wanted to let you know how much you impacted my primary school experience and that to this day i still remember and appreciate you. I’ll never forget how you managed to convince my mum to let me go to [the end of year residential trip]. You helped me gain confidence and always told me i would be able to achieve great things. I have now finished secondary school, got good grades in my GCSEs and i’m now in sixth form studying A level Biology, Chemistry and Psychology, in hopes of studying Medicine at university. Anyways i hope all is well with you and your family and ...

Sometimes, you have a really testing week at school. You work flat out and yet fail to keep on top of things. External circumstances act against you. You have to deal with incessant behaviour issues. You then have to deal with the fallout.  And then: bam - it hits you: you begin to feel a failure. You begin to think: what’s the point? You doubt yourself. You feel burnt out. You feel desperately alone. And it eats into your home life. And just when you’re feeling at your lowest, an ex-colleague gets in touch with you and casts a ray of sunshine on things. This is what I received one evening this week: “I've met a couple of parents of children that you taught at [your previous school] and they absolutely love you, they said their children's school experience was extra special thanks to you! My most recent was this weekend, I went on rugby tour with my daughter and her team mate (…) and parents said, “Do you know Mr G? He’s amazing!” I just think what a credit to you and all...

After the odd comments from 25.02.24, this week began with another corker:  Mate, people are sharing screengrabs of this blog left right and centre at both your old and new school. And not in a positive way!  😐 Well now! Who would write that? It’s clearly not someone looking out for my best interests. And don’t they realise this is a public blog? It’s hardly hidden away in some obscure recess of the dark web. My feeling is it’s someone who is a little rattled. I feel (and having chatted to friends and ex-colleagues about this, I’m not alone feeling this) that these one-dimensional comments have most likely been written by one and the same person, with this latest one now trying out a new tone. There would appear to be an agenda: to make me seem a little ‘unhinged’ and a fabricator of tall tales. However, these comments are ironically only giving the blog more exposure and helping it reach more people. There has been a huge increase of hits these past few days a...

Oh, the fun that can be had with the haiku form - 17 syllables of freedom. I thought I'd take a break from heavy blog posts this week and just enjoy a bit of messing about on themes I've already explored more seriously in the past. ___   This first haiku was inspired by my previous head's insistence on not getting involved in staff's emotional duress. Upset staff If you shed a tear, Do not expect sympathy; Tissues should suffice. ___   This next one is a riff on the lack of accountability at my previous place of work. Nervous breakdowns One man down - who cares? Another four - who’s counting? No one seems to see … ___   This one echoes the head's dismissal of taking pride in one's work... Pride One thing is for sure, There is no place for pride here, Silly communist. ___   As Modern Foreign Languages lead, I was genuinely told to look into bringing Latin bacl onto the curriculum. Latin: that most famous modern for...