You better stop, look around. Here it comes. Here comes your second nervous breakdown...

It has happened again. 

Two months ago, I had another nervous breakdown: my second in five years.

I cannot go into the reasons why this happened, but my mental health has taken another drubbing.

My antidepressants intake has quadrupled.

There have been a lot of bad days.  Days seething with anxiety but devoid of energy. Days struggling to relax and yet feeling the urge to sleep all the time. 

Despite being at home all the time, there have been many times where I’ve been an absent father. 

Days on end, lying on my sofa or bed staring at the ceiling.

Thankfully, glimmers of positivity and hope are now becoming far more common.

But while I’m on more of a secure footing, I’m still on that perpetual nasty verge of a panic attack; constantly in fighting mode.

Thank goodness I am running again and building my stamina up. 

I could not read for any lengthy period of time without losing my concentration. I still get distracted but I’m actually finishing books.

I have an extremely supportive partner who gently encourages interaction which means I have actually never felt closer to my children than these past few days. 

I have friends and family looking out for me. I have colleagues and comrades who have my back. Not everyone in such a situation has such privileges.

It’s tough when you think you’re in a safe space and it all collapses. I am rebuilding with a lot of help from incredible people: to them, I say a massive thank you.