Here we go again...

It’s been a while since I have written about the usual themes of this blog. My father’s death gave way to an extended wave of self-reflection and processing

There is still plenty of processing to do, but other concerns have come to the surface again.

Last night, I was categorising the basic negative milestones of the past five years:

1)    toxic culture established at my previous school,

2)    victimisation for standing up to a sociopathic head,

3)    nervous breakdown,

4)    pandemic and ensuing lockdown (hardly alone there!)

5)    whistleblowing (turned down),

6)    dodgy allegation,

7)    further whistleblowing (again turned down),

8)    proposed academisation of my current school,

9)    ongoing whistleblowing (still to be taken up),

 The never-ending whistleblowing...

On numerous occasions, friends have told me that all of this happened so long ago now, would it not be time to let go? Well, yes and no.

On the one hand, I have been through so much pain and spent so much energy on this nightmare. There have been some minor victories along the way: an article, an investigation by the ICO, so many testimonies sent to me, the continued support of several organisations. But these have been ignored by my previous school, its board of governors and the council. Still the offending head prevails with little to no accountability, seemingly fully backed by both agencies.

However, on the other hand, the pattern of toxicity and victimisation continues at my previous school. More people are still going through the pain I did.

Last year, a colleague was victimised and ended up leaving their (different) school – a school that ‘benefited’ from my previous head’s skills as a school improvement officer (see Interview 21.01.22)…

What is more, two young colleagues have left/are leaving the head’s school halfway through the academic year, both thoroughly miserable at their experience there.

Moreover, at least three other members of staff have been on prolonged sick leave, yet to return. I do not know the full details, but it does not look great.

“Something is rotten in the state of…” It has been for the best part of five years.

I have not given up on looking for accountability.

I will let you know when I do.

RIP

Dad died last Friday in the early hours of the morning. He died peacefully. He was allowed a dignified death.

His nearest and dearest were all able to spend time with him before he went. There were some undeniably beautiful moments that took place over those last days. Even though there were no visible reactions from Dad, I would like to think that some of our conversations with/about him, the music we played, the laughter and tears were able to reach him somehow. Obviously I would like to think that. Who wouldn’t?

He was a beautiful dignified human being. He was owed this demonstration of love, friendship and respect.

And thank Christ, he was able to leave us peacefully after being battered by Alzheimer’s for the best part of a decade. We lost him slowly and irretrievably.

A cruel disease to him.

A cruel disease to us.

For years, he was still with us and yet he wasn’t. The long goodbye indeed.

Anyway, this piece of writing is a celebration of Dad.

We loved and respected Dad for so many different reasons.

He made me what I am today.

Here is a rushed off list of some of the components that made him such a wonderful person:

o   a strong moral code;

o   a heightened sense of justice and of doing the right thing;

o   integrity – always integrity;

o   nurture and care;

o   generosity;

o   friendship;

o   patience;

o   giver of advice – never imposed;

o   a sense of humour – often extremely daft;

o   a wide-ranging taste in music (not always to my taste…);

o   a love of good food and wine!

I would like to think that some of these have rubbed off on me and not just the daft sense of humour!

I thought that losing him would be much easier, that I had already done most of the processing as he faded away over the years. But nothing prepares you for the seismic shock of a loved one leaving for good; especially after spending some of the final hours with them and their loved ones. I wouldn’t have missed those hours for anything. I know that I will cherish them for the rest of my days. But it isn’t easy - as I know many have experienced already.

I have been feeling numb, depressed and have mainly wanted to be alone since Friday. My family, colleagues and community have been so supportive. I am lucky.

It is a time of processing, reflection and getting used to Dad no longer being here.

So many precious memories. So much fun. So much debating. So much depth. So much help. So much caring. Always there for us when we needed him.

I am really struggling to find a way to end this entry. I guess: keep it simple.

Dad, I will miss you and have missed you for many years. You will live on in our memories forever and not a day goes past when you are not celebrated. I love you, gaffer. Xxx

RIP David Taylor (1932-2023)