Robin Ince
It's the summer holidays and they've been a long time coming. As usual it's taken me a while to unwind and get into the spirit of things. But it is a little easier this year with the diagnosis. The inner critic and Rejection Syndrome Dysphoria (RSD) have not gone away but they're not constant noise, nor are they as overwhelming as they have been. I recognise and deal with them faster.
I'm really impatient to get to the actual titration period, but I'm still waiting for the call to actually arrange an appointment to discuss different medication.
In the meantime, last Friday evening I went to a Robin Ince event in Sandwich where he was discussing his recent book about his ADHD diagnosis: Normally Weird and Weirdly Normal: My Adventure in Neurodiversity.
What an incredible evening: engaging, moving and reassuring. I'd read his book the week before and so much of it rang true. To actually have the chance to see him discuss it, and then talk to him was amazing. He was so empathetic and warm, and again, very reassuring.
One particular area of interest he discussed was the difference between neurotypical and neurodivergent worldviews. He'd had a chat with Alan Moore who'd come up with the great metaphor of neurotypical people having a vertical worldview, whereas neurodivergent people tended to have a horizontal view.
The neurotypical vertical worldview is about climbing higher (or attempting to do so) to a point of demanding respect and the chance to "look down on more and more people" while in position of power and wealth. Which I'd argue equates to basic capitalism.
On the other hand, the neurodivergent worldview is about "fascination, connection, and equality". Instead of trying to climb, the individual is "looking outward to explore deep interests, share knowledge, an engage with people on an equal, peer-to-peer level", very much not basic capitalism.
I obviously feel far closer to the latter worldview, though I wouldn't necessarily say this is just a neurodivergent thing. I mean sure, I obsess about justice and struggle with unjustified authority to an ASD extent, but I do think a lot of my leftie neurotypical peers think horizontally too in that they equally strive for equality. Interesting. Now I know that not all lefties are neurodivergent, but could there be a link here? Between basic decency and neurodivergence? I've had a lot of coffee so maybe I'm overthinking it or have lost the line of thought somewhere down the line.
"There is also the theory that ADHD brains 'tend to perceive information with a less positive view; this, along with cognitive rigidity and ADHD-impacted brain networks, can lead to intense rumination'. This leads to a strong need to restore justice even if it is damaging to themselves."
This is something that I obviously identify with strongly after being sent into two separate spirals of despair after fighting doggedly for justice. As I've expressed throughout this blog, victimisation from people very much typical of the vertical worldview was unleashed, and breakdowns followed on both occasions. I strongly believe that my union rep activities have always been justified and, well, that they were just. I can appreciate that they were frustrating for, and that I was undoubtedly a thorn in the side of, management, but I was standing up for workers’ rights - not for me, but for the general good of my union's members: I was being a representative of my fellow members.
As you’d expect (and know if you've read previous entries on the blog), I was not just treated like a troublesome rep, but worse than that, I now firmly my neurodivergence was used to break me. It's a massive regret: that I hadn’t pushed for an official diagnosis beforehand. A diagnosis would have -or at least could have- protected me more during those hideous months: ADHD is a protected characteristic and one can but hope would have been respected as such and not abused.
Management went on a full-on attack and milked my RSD and inner critic. Accusations, obviously false, were made about my teaching and professional conduct. However blatantly untrue these were, when you are your own worst critic, it is all too easy to be broken. This was a known fact. I have always been transparent about my mental health, counselling, medication, etc. Over-sharing is yet another characteristic of the ADHD individual. They knew about my struggles and they used it. It was insidious and abusive behaviour.
Some people were aware of this from the start and have always been sympathetic and caring. But it is all so old now. Many people have moved on and forgotten the suffering. Others never really gave a toss – why would they? They were happy to be up that there ‘ladder’, had their heads in the sand or found that they were able to look the other way to protect their own interests. I’ve lost touch with so many erstwhile friends from this period. I apologise for going through this again.
It’s just that it’s all through a different prism. For those of you who got this far, thank you for indulging me.
And Robin: thanks for being so ace!
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