Paris thoughts

In May of this year, I signed off work after a nervous breakdown. Or as my French friends call it: ‘burnout’! I have frequently felt as if I am in a sort of no-mans-land. It genuinely does at times feel like ‘an uninhabited or desolate area’ (wkipedia) within my mind.

 

I am used to interacting with, teaching and nurturing a class of thirty lively children - and love things that way. However, I have had mainly myself as company for the past four months. And I’m not especially good at nurturing myself. Especially when there are so many battles in my life. I’m tired of battles: perpetually being on my guard. I need the interaction with my pupils, need to keep my mind active by helping them to learn. But that part of my life has been put on hold. I have suffered and not been treated well.

 

***

 

I was in Paris this weekend. It has been good to take a break from London and enjoy the city of my youth: visiting a lovely restaurant, bookshops, going for a run around the Bois de Vincennes, etc. Most of all, it has been a joy to meet up with some very good people who are so important in my life.

 

Last night, I met up with a very old friend that I hadn’t seen in about a decade. His empathy and kindness were a balm. In my darker hours, I doubt myself. Sadly, over the past few months, I have been in such dark places all too frequently. However, he disabused me of the notion that I am as a self-regarding crackpot.

 

He told me that he was sorry for the ‘battles’ I have had to put up with and fight, and reminded me to be kind to myself. It was moving and I am grateful to have such support from friends like him – a friend of over forty years.

 

***

 

I’m now on the Eurostar back home basking in the warm glow of friendship. My beautiful wife and children are meeting me at the station from where we’ll travel to the seaside for a short break. The sun is shining. Life ain’t all bad.

News

I have not written on the blog for a while. I have been off work for a few months now and now is not the right time to be going into that aspect of my life.

I can however have a moan about life in general and the fact that it has been a challenging few months. To be honest, it's been a tough few years: victimisation at my previous school, grief, betrayal, disappointment, and two nervous breakdowns have all played their part in my rocky mental health. I apologise: some of you will have already read about this in my previous posts.

Accident

Things came to another head this Wednesday (02.10.24) when our car was rammed by a reckless driver. We were pulling out of a side street. The third party was desperate to get through some lights which had just turned green. He wanted to turn right before oncoming traffic could start moving. He overtook the lane we were pulling out of. He was significantly over the 20mph speed and ploughed straight into us - driver side.

I was driving. Luckily, airbags on my side went off. My head hit the bags painfully, but it could have been a lot worse. Everything was a blur for a while after the impact. I went into deep shock: shaking and unable to talk properly for a long time. I was aware of shouting directed at the other driver and many kind people coming to help us. My partner was straight out of the car dealing with it all, the police were on the phone coming through the car stereo, the car was surrounded by people. It was very confusing.

Eventually, I found myself being treated by paramedics in an ambulance with a kindly young police officer making sure I was ok, patiently waiting to be able to ask me questions.

The main road in Sydenham was blocked for an hour or so during rush hour. I remember people gawping around us, taking pictures and videos on their phones. But thankfully, more than that, it is the kindness of many people that I will take from those moments. Someone offering me a chair, someone bringing me water, so many people checking I was ok. 

Aftermath 

I still have mild concussion and ringing in my ears nearly a week on.

The other driver is refusing to accept liability. He has even claimed a hire car on our insurance despite, the fact that he did not even have adequate insurance for commuting. The police told me they were processing him on the day. And yet… What a chancer.

Our insurance company will not give us courtesy car despite the fact that we have comprehensive cover. They currently deem the car to be a write-off thereby negating their responsibility to provide a car.

Nice.

More alarmingly, they have told us that they think that best case that it may be a case of shared liability, worst case: we may be completely liable. Oh, and they want us to pay an excess. This is after hours on the phone chasing too.

My perception of human decency and justice at this time is understandably fairly negative. It’s difficult not to rail against the neo-liberal system we live in. Labyrinthine calls with insurance companies, being transferred from one interlocutor to the next, all using jargonese and referring to ridiculous protocols which seemingly make their lives easier but certainly not their customers’.

However, I cannot go on full misanthrope:  

·      Thank goodness, the Met has been far more helpful: officers on the day, and interlocutors on the phone since the incident.

·      As for the NHS, I cannot thank them enough, both the lovely paramedics who assessed me on the day and my GP the following day.

·      Again, I have to mention that many bystanders were not gawping, but offering sympathy and help.

 

Move

 

This past incident added to my nervous breakdown from the spring. It has certainly cemented our decision to move from London.

 

The time is right: our house was put on the market a few days prior to the accident. Two days ago, our house was shown to 15 sets of prospective buyers. Questions have been coming through all day from our estate agent. A few minutes ago, she phoned us to let us know three offers have already been made.

 

Some things are flowing in the right direction, and this what I have to keep focussing on.